(''..And in that moment, I swear we were infinite'' ~ Charlie)
This past Wednesday I met up with an old college friend Emma for a catch up, we have met up a few times before and had a good time and we decided we would make it a regular thing, we decided on going to Nandos for Emma to lose her 'Nandos virginity' and go see a film of my choice (As we take it in turns), and this time I chose to watch 'Perks of being a wallflower' which had Emma Watson starring. I must say before I go any further that I would recommend to go see this time as it is very good, but it does have it's intense moments near the end but Emma Watson comes out of her shell in this film, it has lots of laughs in it and an awesome soundtrack.
Back to what I'm going to write, the movie was intense and in some of the moments in the film really hit me and made me ponder about my life and link between the two and it opened my eyes to something I've been trying hard not to do. I know over the past summer, I've told stories of some 'conquests' and I know some of the things I may have lost some respect to some friends, but looking back I have ashamed myself too because that isn't me. I know being single has its benefits, but sometimes when I see my friends in such amazing relationships and on the cusp of getting engaged, or are engaged, and I want that in my life.
I may be 23 and considered young to some, but I hate being lonely and losing faith in finding that someone for me, I laugh it off that my 2 best friends from university take a funny jab that I'm the 'single one' of the group, but it does get to me. And I finally got to the point that I need to vent this out and I don't know who I can go to about this because I am having trouble with trust issues as of late, but this is the story:
There's this girl that I've known for 4 years, we first met when I went for an interview for a place at a college, she stood out from that group, from first sight she looked mature, pretty and easy to talk to, but because I had confidence issues with girls at that time, I shy'd away. We barely spoke for the first year and a half but we had each other as friends on both Bebo and Facebook. But suddenly,she started talking to me on MSN and we got to know each other alot more, and over the last couple of years we have grown to be very close friends, but for me, I've grown to like her more than just a friend. To some people who may know me, YES I do say some girls that pass-by that they look pretty cute and I meet up with girls most of the time (because I find it easier to get on with girls that I do with guys), but this time its different, I haven't liked someone like this since my last relationship, which ended last January.
The main problem with this is, because of my confidence issues, I've grown a fear of rejection which has prevented me from saying anything about this to her. Every time I receive a text from her, or see a picture of her on facebook - I cant help but smile, whenever I get the chance to see her - I never want her to leave, I have surprised her a few times;
- Valentines Day 2012 ~ Sent flowers,chocolates and CD of one of her favourite bands to her door.
- Surprise visit at her work.
- Sent her a belated birthday gift of two things she has wanted for ages (Huge hoodie & a piece of Travis Barker (Even though, it was only his autograph))
- Bought her a dress for her last Summer Ball because she couldn't afford it, but as she didn't go I didn't give it to her until I got to see her at a later time.
I just wish I had the confidence to tell her how I actually feel to her face.
Guys have come and gone in her life, and they have all treated her badly, I've been there for her to offer advice to help keep them relationships healthy and to keep her happy, be a shoulder to cry on when it got too much for her, cheered her up and made her smile again - key words: I'VE. BEEN. THERE.... through everything I never left her side. What I don't understand about girls is that, How I can be the one guy to talk to about anything and help them and make them smile and happy, and not be considered as boyfriend material, instead of being a permanent occupant of 'the friends zone'.
YES, we are basically best friends and I wouldn't want to damage that but I have to cling on to that little bit of faith I have left in me right now that it wouldn't get damaged because I wouldn't let it happen. I would be there for her like no other guy has, I know her pet peeves about what annoys her most about guys, I believe that I can make her the happiest she's ever been. We'd go out on dates, romantic weekends away, holidays to our dream locations, and everything else that a couple should do to make it work.
To me, she is the prettiest girl in my life right now. I can't imagine being with no one else other than her because there is no one better. (Taking a quote from the Perks of being a wallflower film) 'I don't want her to be just a crush. I can't keep carrying it around inside. I want to show her, so she can feel it too.'
I wish it were that easy, like it can be in the films, but with how my confidence is right now, I pretty much know the answer I would get - and I haven't really thought about how I would cope if this girl rejects me. I guess all I can do is keep the faith and hope that maybe, just maybe she could feel the same way.